Lock it up for New Year

The subject on many lips lately is hackers and security, even more so with the announcement that someone can crack into your mobile phone calls and listen in with noting more than a cheap Motorola phone and some cunning skills.
An irony is that i have a firm belief that some of our greatest software advances are due to people cracking security in areas like Playstations, Xbox, WEP etc, this brings security forwards as people develop countermeasures and also brings skills out in testing and breaking those measures, I'm sure a time will come when a status quo will exist in the time and effort needed to break security will be far more than the rewards and people will simply not bother.

How can you help yourself ? I teach several subjects in my role and during the Desktop and Notebook course we discuss some basic security and their advantages.

Drivelock - if your system supports drivelock then this is one of the first defences.
This puts a password on the hard drive itself so in the event that someone powers up your system the drive will not mount itself or be accessible, what's important is to understand that Drivelock is a function of the hard drive not of the BIOS so although you set it through the BIOS if you remove the hard drive and attempt to bypass the operating system (for example putting it into a USB caddy) the drive will still be locked.

When setting Drivelock you will need to secure your BIOS (Drivelock will tell you it won't continue until you set a Bios password), set a good strong password then for Drivelock you normally have two passwords, the user level (your day to day password to unlock the drive) and the master password (In case you forget the user password or need to over ride it).

Once set the system will prompt for Drivelock password when booting the system, even if you intend to boot from USB drive or CD-Rom the system will still ask for it. This will prevent people using a boot disk such as Ubuntu live or a Windows recovery CD to bypass your OS login passwords and gain access to your data.

Drivelock is so efficient that if you remove the drive, put it in a USB caddy then to all intents you do not have a drive connected, you have not put the password in so the drive is not even visible as a device. To use it in an external caddy you must put it back in your system (or a compatible PC), enter the Drivelock password and in the BIOS disable the lock, at that point the drive behaves as any non protected drive.

People often ask me what happens if the encrypt their drive i.e will Drivelock work, Drivelock works BEFORE any OS is mounted it is at the drive firmware level so as an example, think of a car, you unlock the door and open it, get in, sit down and start the engine. Think of the engine as your Operating system, think of Drivelock as the car door (locked), in normal situations the door is not locked, you simply walk up to the car, open the door and start the engine.

With Drivelock you Unlock the door then start the engine (with a different key).

As another example imaging leaving your laptop on a train, could you power it up and get as far as the Operating system (where it asks you to log in) ?
If so then anyone with a live CD or Windows boot CD can easily start your system up, bypass any need for passwords and simply gain access to your files.

If you have some letters to the bank, perhaps a list of your passwords etc then everything on your laptop and far more is compromised.

Drivelock will secure your drive even when it is removed from your machine and attempts made to break into Drivelock cause it to lock the drive out after three attempts, at that point you must power down to try again.

If you have TPM (Trusted Platform Module) fitted then take control of your TPM chip, put ownership information in and secure your TPM.
TPM works by generating random numbers/keys, these are used for passwords such as https sessions, encryption and even drivelock.
One option in BIOS is normally to enable TPM Drivelock, this puts a 256bit (32 character) random password onto the drive, only Drivelock and the drive know the true password so you will never know it.

TPM will challenge you to prove your ownership (perhaps a fingerprint swipe), at this point TPM will unlock the drive - the beauty of this is that you can't use an obvious password as TPM chooses it, the strength set by TPM and it removes the weak point (you) from the password option.


TPM is also used if you decide to implement Bitlocker, this is Windows whole drive encryption, once Bitlocker is enabled then TPM will hold the master and run time keys that Bitlocker needs - should TPM fail (and your keys be lost) you can export a master recovery key for Bitlocker (make sure you keep this in a very very safe place).


As TPM is used more and more it will hold keys for just about everything, banking, log on passwords, file encryption passwords etc - should your TPM chip fail (or motherboard) then obviously the passwords are lost, TPM software allows you to export your keys to pen drive but you should NEVER export your master and public keys together, you can export your public keys and simply put the pen drive into a convenient drawer or even hang it on your wall, these are public keys and offer no security risk if others know them. Your public keys would be sent to others to allow them to send you an encrypted email, they encrypt it using YOUR public key.


With your master keys you would export them and take these to your bank and lock your pen drive away in the deepest vault, should your master keys be compromised you should dissolve them and immediately create new ones then refresh any applications that relied on these keys.
If someone sends you an encrypted email then you would decrypt it by using your master key, this confirms your credentials to the public key (used to encrypt the message in the first place) and is therefore of such importance you never reveal the master keys to the outside world.


Passwords - Where possible remove the human factor by using TPM to generate and secure your passwords, if not then use a long and secure password at least 14 characters/numbers, a non dictionary word and use special characters where possible.


You can increase a passwords security quite considerably by using special characters and numbers, take the following password "cheddar", now I like cheddar cheese so it's a simple word to pick (strength tests done using Microsoft password checker -


Password strength is weak, it is a dictionary word so easy to crack.
Cheddar - still weak.
C43dd4r - Strong
C43dd4r&! - Still Strong
1+L1k3+C43dd4r&1973 - Still Strong

One trick is to think of a passphrase (A sentence) and take key letters to form a password, let's consider "The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Dog" - lets take the first letters of each word - TQBFJOTLD, it's not a long password so still considered weak.

How about the first and last letters, TEQKBNFXJSORTELYDG - this is now strong, the reason its not a very strong password is there are no numbers or special characters to increase the permutations.

Lets go back as step to TQBFJOTLD, lets put some numbers and special characters with it, let's assume we like the year 1986, let's put (using just 86), 8+TQBFJOTLD-6  we are now getting stronger but if you try this you will be amazed how easily you remember the password if you define some simple rules.

To explain in more detail, let's assume you have only 2 characters as your password and you use letters or numbers, this gives 26 lowercase characters plus 26 Uppercase plus 10 numbers per position = 62 possible characters for the first password position x 62 for the 2nd = 3844 permutations.

There are 32 special characters you can use so you can appreciate adding them into the equation makes each positions 26+26+10+32 = 94 possible characters, for our 2 character password this makes   8836 permutations for 2 characters.

If you have 14 character passwords, using combinations of all these then your password will have 94 to the power 14 or 4,205,231,901,698,742,834,534,301,696 permutations (more info here) .

TPM will generate 32 character passwords so you should by now appreciate that his is a significant amount greater in permutations for anyone to crack (I have no idea what this number is in English, surely more than a Trillion?)

 1,380,674,536,088,650,126,365,233,338,290,905,239,051,505,147,118,049,339,937,652,736



 Using TPM will generate passwords that are technically challenging for anyone to break through, it will remove the "human" weak point - we like to use dictionary words, it removes the need to remember complex passwords and as far as we are concerned there will simply be a challenge from the TPM chip to us to confirm ownership and then it will deploy the necessary password.

Once your rolling with Drivelock and perhaps TPM then start looking at using encrypted folders or containers to hold key files, Truecrypt is excellent for this as it is effectively a software representation of TMP functionality but in a program that runs in Windows, Linux etc and best of all - it's FREE !

Within 5 minutes you can have it installed and secure your key files in encrypted containers, their tutorials are excellent but all of this is useless if you don't use strong passwords.

Truecrypt allows one feature to help humans remove weak passwords, it allows "Keyfiles", these can be nothing more than a text file or a JPG, they form an additional file with your password to provide strength, if you encrypt a file container than you can put a password on it AND use a keyfile (perhaps a file held only on a seperate pen drive), you must then provide the password AND the keyfile to decrypt the data.

It has many other features but start at the beginning and go from there.

Snow joke

We've all had a bit of snow and it was perhaps a chance for the Astra SR to redeem itself, so far it's not impressing me and although it's fast the ride is firm, noise levels terrible and all in all not selling itself to me.

I've been surprised with the grip from the Astra in the wet, perhaps it's only positive quality so far - most Diesels skip around in the wet like a stone on an ice covered pond, the Astra (to be fair) gives good grip with hardly any loss of power.

However ... along came the snow, now I've had some pretty shitty cars for the snow, the Avensis was probably best categorized as "shit" when driving in snow but the Astra actually managed to perform worse.

I couldn't get out our car park at all at work, the traction control can't be turned off so it instantly cuts engine power when the wheels have no grip, a lot of digging later and several people pushing I got out the car park.

One thing I noticed a few days earlier was the Astra does not like a bit of ice, anything resembling ice causes it to skid in that "I'm sure I have ABS but nothing seems to be happening" sort of way, today I found either the snappy clutch causing me to spin the wheels at the slightest throttle pressure, the engine stalling if I tried to pull off in 2nd gear (come on Vauxhall, I could pull away in 3rd gear in most diesels I've had) and then the slightet dab on the vicious brake pedal caused yet another skid so I had to use nothing more than throttle and gears to stop - what a crock of shit.

There's no doubt the Astra is quick, there are many cars that will leave it behind but it's a nippy blighter and even more loony with the sports button on but I've had enough of it, for day to day driving it's noisy, unrefined and I think terrible value for money.

Weather permitting the Astra goes back tomorrow, I'm swapping into a 1.9tdi Passat so it will be interesting to see the difference, I did notice one button in the Passat that immediately got my vote "ESP OFF" - that's what you need when the white stuff comes and despite the dire equipment level in the Astra I almost find it offensive that Vauxhall seem to know better than you but omitting one from their car, in fact i've had one in just about every diesel I've driven due to the torque they generate so in slippy or snowy conditions it's common sense to be able to turn it off.

I've come to the conclusion that any car without a engine temperature gauge is the work of the devil and should not be trusted, it should therefore be burnt at the stake at a cost of 37.2 mpg.

Perhaps when I get in the Passat I will get my hearing back and some comfort, apparently the 1.9 tdi is surprisingly powerful despite a low horsepower so this may be an interesting comparison.

Black Ops

Hoorah it came early ...

A perfect end to a shitty day, had a filling at dentist then got home to find Black ops arrived a day early .

So far it's WOW !!!!!


Mental graphics, insane level of bullets and crap flying towards you, but here we go again for another COD classic.

SOLID COPY !

End of an era

It's been a while since I wrote anything, since the last post I've ripped out and completely re-decorated the bedroom making sure the Xbox and 37" TV have prime place so everything's gone fine there.

Holiday was back at Bigbury on Sea, drove down in pouring rain, arrived in blazing sunshine - fried some local sausages (from the Saint Annes Chapel shop - awsome shop by the way) and local bacon on the beach which started the week as it meant to go on.

My Avensis finally reached the end of it's company lease so was returned with only 87900 miles on the clock, I had just got the diesel nice and loose and there it was being returned.
Unfortunately the previous owner had managed to dent and scrape every body panel on it so it wasn't worth me buying it otherwise I would have considered keeping it.

I'm now in a hire car for a while, a brand new Astra Sri (1.9td 150psi).

Comparing the two cars it's surprising what you miss, no cruise control in the Astra, no rain sensitive wipers, no electro chromic rear view mirror, no sat nav built in, no leather seats, no electric seats, only front electric windows, no folding door mirrors, no under floor storage, no pop out cup holders, no rear arm rests or cup holders, no rear 12v accessory point, no climate control.

In fact I think the list goes on and on, the Astra (considering it's a high spec model i.e SR) is as sparsely equipped as the older Club or similar models I used to drive in the past.

The dashboard only has a radio (with MP3 input) a basic computer and that's your lot.

Add into this mix the Vauxhall Trick wipers and your in for some fun, I had these on my Vectra, press the indicator and you get three flashes, press it harder and it stays on. If you need to cancel it then you have to press the SAME direction, if you press the opposite then that one comes on.
It's common to see Vauxhall drivers going along with one indicator going then the other and so on until either they give up or the system self cancels.

Now I can live with these to a degree, the other problem is the driving position, the seats are like solid wooden boards, very little comfort and quite deep seat bases so you find yourself hitting the steering wheel getting in and out and I'm not a tall chap.
Getting yourself into a reasonable driving position you then find other problems, the indicator lights on the dashboard are exactly in the position the steering wheel rim is, you cannot see if you have your indicators on other than listening for the faint tick sound emitted by the unit, you have to duck your head down below the steering wheel to see if they are on - come on Vauxhall have you actually tested this car with real people in it ?

Toyota put the indicator and headlight icons together in good view, your headlight icons are fine why not do similar and put the indicator icons on either side then it's sorted - not a hard one to solve for Christ sake.

Even more fun though are the air vents, the side ones by the window need the vertical fins turning all the way up to close it, this means you can't set a position and leave it, if you do then you always get air out, if you close it you have to set the position up all over again - for fuck sake Vauxhall, we can send probes to Pluto, why can't you leave the air vent where you like it and just close off the air flow ?

The central vents are effectively null and void, in most cars they are high up on the dashboard and you can direct a cool breeze to your face in the summer etc.
On this car someone with very limited intelligence put them half way down the dashboard, if your like most people you have comfort positions on the steering wheel to place your hands at 10 O'Clock and 2 O'Clock positions, they are the recommended positions and lots of people hold their steering wheel this way.

If you do on the Astra the central air vents will blow cool air onto your left arm, nothing at all will find it's way to your face unless you change your grip on the wheel, for many people it's natural to hold it the same way as they have done for the last 30 years so i'm sorry Vauxhall but your wrong, the vents are shit and your Astra design sucks big time.

Interior is drab, sparse and looks little better than a Corsa, for £21k I would expect a damn site more from my car and this is not cutting the mustard, imagine going into a lap dance bar, paying a premium price and finding a drab, dull tired looking woman in front of you who does nothing to inspire your senses or provide any kind of eye candy.
Similar to a lap dancing club your compelled not to touch anything in the Astra in case it breaks or you feel tainted by the experience, in fact there are so few options or features inside you won't press more than one or two buttons anyway.

The seats slide back and forth with 1960's styling, bringing a few moments of fond memory's, your first driving lesson in a Fiat 127 when you had manual seat adjustments because it was cutting edge technology 30 years ago.
Now it's there because Vauxhall cannot compete with other manufacturers so turns out cheap looking and poorly dressed lap dancers in a world of style and entertainment.

As far as the engine goes, I used to think the Avensis was a noisy engine, most diesels are particularly at tick over, the Astra does not let you down here, lots of vibration and noise at tick over, it's certainly no better than the Avensis.
Power ... well the Avensis was 125hp, this is 150 and has 6 speed box, you find yourself a gear higher than you would be in a 5 speed box so you feel your changing a lot more at lower speeds, its common to be in 3rd when you would have been in 2nd and so on.
The Astra has one and only one redeeming quality about it, the engine has plenty of oomph, 0-60 is gone in a flash, 1st gear is like many diesels, a quick struggle to light up the turbo and your in 2nd gear 2 microseconds after pulling off, in the Astra though 2nd gear propels you forwards similar to the Enterprise engaging Warp drive, there is a yelp of power and your now in another county, keep the power on and go to 3rd, 4th and 5th and your well above motorway speeds before you know it, engage 6th and your still pulling strongly.

Average fuel consumption at the moment is 39.8mpg, not impressive, on the Motorways over a 300 mile run I could not break 39.9 mpg on country or urban runs it gives 36.8. The Avensis would give 36.9 without fail on country runs and was very easy to get this up to 45 by keeping a higher gear or cutting the speed down a little (5mph), on motorways the Avensis would be in the high 40's or 50mpg, in fact at 70mph you would often see 52mpg with a full or empty car.

On the dashboard of the Astra is probably the one and only button that would interest most of you, the Sport button, hold your throttle steady and press it, the car immediately responds with considerable increase in throttle and power, holding it at 60mph I engaged and the car (without touching the throttle) went above 80 and was still going when I disengaged.

Traction control seems about the same as the Avensis, it's a far cry from the old traction where they simply killed your engine rev's, the current ones control your traction with elegant precision and you hardly know they are there, perhaps a little squeak from your wheels every now and then is all you ever get.
The Avensis was almost impossible to wheel spin, this seems no different.

Unfortunately no button to turn traction off though - on the Avensis I had control manually if needed.

The ride itself is OK, the suspension is firm but comfortable, firmer than the Avensis but you feel more pot holes and bumps, I've also found it has a tendency to be twitchy on the road, often moving to the left or right through no action of yours but most likely due to a small defect in the road etc, the Avensis on the same roads would not wander as much, you would sense the road change but the car would carry on regardless.
I've also seen a bit of under steer, give it some rev's and take bends a bit closer to the car's envelope and on perfectly dry roads it can twitch out and under steer leaving you a little wide, I think this is perhaps the fact there's a stonking heavy diesel engine under the bonnet and the laws of physics apply.
The Avensis didn't suffer too much from that, I think the wheel track was wider and it always seemed to go where I pointed it with very few issues considering it was a much much heavier car.

Boot space is OK, it's an estate but no more space than the Avensis hatch, the problem with estates is the immense drumming and booming from the rear when your driving, the road noise is amplified and makes using the radio pointless, in fact for most of our motorway journey we turned the radio off as we couldn't hear it. On the Avensis the road noise was much less and the sound system infinitely better. On the subject of noise the Avensis had no perceptible wind noise, you often had to open the window to hear if it was stormy or feel any cross winds, the Astra whistle like the old models, get to motorway speeds and your accompanied on your journey by natures rendition of Roger Whittakers "Streets of London", another reason to turn the tinny and cheap radio off.

We tried adjusting the bass, treble etc but these seemed to engage other settings such as Shit, really shit, bass only shit, can't hear a fucking word shit, was that the news ? shit and so on - I think all I ever did on the Avensis was put the treble up 2 notches and left it like that for several years.

All in all, apart from the fact it's quick (but easily beaten by other cars such as Golf GTI etc) the car leaves me dry, it's nice looking on the outside but that's like your lap dancer looking nice and being an axe murderer on the inside, you get inside the Astra and feel cheated, I've had a Skoda with more buttons and gadgets and many many cars that offer more than this, the SRi badge should stand for Shitting Robbed Innit, they have robbed all the gadgets and features you would expect for one thing and one thing only, a bit of speed, on the urban roads it's a sprinter, sprinting from junction to junction leaving boy racers in their Corsa and Saxo's far far behind, press the Sports button if they appear in your rear mirror and see them vanish.
Take it on the motorway and you need ear plugs, and you need a big wallet as cruising economy is not impressive, the body rumbles and roars with every bump and mile, touch the throttle and there's more noise but it's all wasted due to the general road noise and the song that should be "lots of power and torque" sounds like its playing along with "music to murder your loved one's by Vol3." your getting a mixed track, one that encourages to say "Fuck this, I'll drive slower because I'll get my hearing back", at this speed the road noise is much better but the engines effectively turned off so the music's not playing.

At 50mph it's like Radio 4, a sombre tune with little to entertain you.

Would I buy one, Yes but only if Vauxhall had a shotgun at my testicles, in reality NO, not a chance, not ever, not even if I was given a large discount (which I can get from my company) - it's just a 100m sprint racer and although it appeals to the child inside you and inspires lots of giggles when letting the horses out to play it's the subject of dark nightmares and bitter dreams when you let it above 50mph.

Hopefully I'll get a new company car and we'll see what that's like, odd's are it will be far slower but with fuel prices it's perhaps time I took my right foot off a bit and also saved a few points on my licence.

Final words, a tip to Vauxhall, when your designing a car, try asking real people what they want and go from there, horizontal arm rests in the door might look good on Gok but in the car it looks like someone's put 0.1 seconds of thought into it, the wing mirror controls are almost on the bonnet of the car, the Japanese ? they put them within easy and obvious reach. As far as my lap dancer goes, I feel a bit let down and violated, I wanted a pretty and sexy dancer with some class and breeding, this one looks the part outside but her dances only inspire for a moment then are lost on the dull soundtrack and club atmosphere, you feel when she speaks it's with the mouth of a whore but not words to make you feel sexy, warm and tingly, instead you feel the need to get your coat and look elsewhere, you surely shouldn't be paying premium prices for such offensive behaviour.

It just had to be

After a busy day taking old wardrobes down and  building a fitted one ready for some sliding doors tomorrow I remembered I had some crusty bread in and theres only one thing for it when you want a snack ....

Beans on toast.

The main problem is the vast combinations that you can do with this simple dish, I'm sure Stephen Hawkins would discover black holes quicker if he could brush his maths up on this.

For example, the choice of beans, do you have plain and simple "value" beans, Cross & Blackwell or Heinz (if your nice and rich) or do you have BBQ beans ?

The choice of toast is just as important, I like a 1/2 inch thick (or more) slice of fresh crusty bloomer or tin, buttered whilst still hot (no margarine thank you) and then on with the beans.

Some prefer sliced bread, thin, medium or thick, then there's toaster sliced bread (quite a bit thicker) and super thick.

If that's not enough to confuse you then you've still got the choice of wholemeal, wholegrain, granary or custom breads like sunflower or poppy.

After a few hours making your choice then the other question is do you put cheese on it ? If so, do you put the cheese on the toast first then the beans or the beans then the cheese? These things are important and anyone reading this and thinking otherwise could get themselves in a sticky situation if this is discussed without having a trusted and valued opinion.

If you put the cheese on the top, do you grill it to get it bubbling or let it melt ?

Speaking of bubbling, there are devotees to the pan and others to the microwave, do you heat your beans in a saucepan or the microwave ?
Some refuse to discuss and will only use the saucepan, I've known someone who always uses the same oven ring, sets it to "just the right" heat and by the time his toast is cooked his beans are just right, not too hot to mush up and not burnt.

Another favorite is an egg on the beans, again your choice is not simply an egg but do you want a fried egg, poached or even scrambled ?

I've not known anyone have an egg AND cheese, it seems to be one or the other so again the permutations come alive and yield numerous outcomes of choices, Cheddar, Edam, Leicester, Derby or something exotic ? Harlech (with horseradish) or blue cheese?

Even then when it's all on the table ready to be eaten, do you put salt on it, white or black pepper ?


I've tried many combinations and it has to be white pepper with a touch of salt, crusty white or granary bread (a nice granary batch is perfect, crispy on the outside but soft inside), good salted butter and ironically the choice of beans doesn't seem to matter to me that much, I've tried them all and it's either Heinz or if I want a bit more sauce then I go for my value beans so my toast is slopping in plenty of sauce.

Next time your peckish and fancy some, don't just get the tin and slop it on some sliced bread, give beans on toast the time and energy it deserves, try it on ciabatta, multi seeded or a nice touch is Morrisons Onion loaf (99p last time I got one).

I'm sure that given the vast permuations and combinations that this should be a 2012 Olympic sport - I've seen people poach eggs with military precision when making beans on toast so nothing is over cooked - dedication above and beyond.

I got to say, mine were champion, tomorrow the sliding doors go on and who knows I might celebrate with an elaborate egg on my beans !

Start the day right

I would have included an image but I ate it !

Anyway - quite often you get a hankering for some good old crispy bacon on Sunday morning, we quite like to vary this by having bacon and egg fried rice.

All you need is some COLD left over rice - we cooked ours the day before and left it in the fridge over night - you need about a bowl of rice per person so it's easy to measure out when it's already cooked and cold.

We also used 8 rashers of smoked bacon and 4 eggs today - this was more than enough for 3 people.

Slice the bacon into strips or pieces to your liking I make mine about 1cm square, fry it up until it's how you want it, we like ours really crispy.

I don't use any oil to fry the bacon but let the bacon fat itself do that.

Once it's cooked, put the bacon to one side and let it drain until you need it.

Put the bacon pan back on the heat (without the bacon in it), and pour in your eggs (which you have whisked first).
Again I don't need any oil as there is normally enough bacon fat left in the pan to cook the eggs.

You need your egg to cook like an omelette i.e you want the egg to cook in one large round chunk rather than scrambled.
I let it cook most of the way though then cut into 3 or 4 sections and flip the egg over in the pan to quickly cook the other side.
once the egg is just done then transfer it to a warm plate and get the pan back on a good heat to do the rice.

I add a few spoons of olive oil or whatever oil you prefer, get the rice in once its hot and stir the rice to get it nicely fried and heated through (about 3-5 mins).

Slice the egg into strips then fairly large pieces, and once the rice is almost ready then add a few spoons of soy sauce (I used 1/2 dark and 1/2 light soy as it can have a strong salty taste and the bacon already has enough salt) - don't add too much soy sauce, it's a lot easier to add some yourself whilst eating than take it away whilst cooking.

For 3 people you find about 3 tablespoons of sauce is more than enough, stir that in the rice to colour it and give it a little flavor, add the bacon and stir up for a minute to warm through then add the egg.

Give it a good stir up to warm the egg and serve it up.

You can add peas etc to this but I'm the only one who likes peas in our house so they get left out !

I don't put any salt in as this would over power the dish, you normally find the bacon has a sharp salty taste anyway particularly if cooked in it's own fat.

Takes 10 minutes to make and in our house about 3 to eat, we find it fills us up nicely often not needing anything else to eat well into the day so good if your having an active day.

More shite

Sometimes when the weathers shitty and your having a dull day you get something that brightens the cockles of your heart.

Pulling up at some lights I noticed a car pop next to me, young lad slumped low in the seat (steering wheel higher than his head !) one hand resting on the wheel in the casual style they try to adopt.

I noticed his blacked out windows, large wing on the rear, obviously custom body kit and alloys worth a considerable amount more than his car and you could hear the exhaust popping away like popcorn in a robots belly.

The amusing bit to the situation was that I then noticed a "GT" badge stuck on the boot and actually managed a little chuckle to myself as I noticed the next two words, the first one was "Toyota" - now bear in mind I drive a Toyota, it's OK and does the job but that wasn't the real reason I laughed.

The next word was "Starlet" and before the one person who sometimes reads these rambling words actually writes back and says "Toyota made a GT Starlet" - yes I know they did, that wasn't actually what made me chuckle.

You see I know Toyota made a GT Starlet, if memory serves it was a 1.4l engine with a twin mode turbo so you could be in low mode for some shopping and popping around town then press the button and go into high mode.

In fact I quite fancy one on my Avensis so even that wasn't why I chuckled - so what was it ?

The young lad had obviously gone to a lot of trouble and expense on his N registration Starlet putting a custom body kit on etc, the bit that made me chuckle was ..... he left the 1.2 sign on (and stuck the GT letters on wonky - not to mention they were in a different font and character size to the "Starlet" letters).

So this poor young lad had spent his life savings on a car worth probably £250, put alloys on worth more than his kidneys and lots of other bits, not to mention the bonnet with large air scoop.

The final nail in the coffin was when the traffic lights changed to green, with a Roar like a thousand angry bees his exhaust fired into life, I think we was probably at 10  or 12 mph when I leisurely pulled past him then as I heard him go up into third gear to try and coax some life out of it I allowed my bumbling 2.0 Diesel to leave him so far behind his tax will run out before he catches me up again.

God bless the tinkers, had it been a true Starlet GT I think the shoe would have been on the other foot, by the time my 2.0D had got to 4000 revs I think he would have been gone. In reality although he looked the part (did I mention his suspension lowered to the lowest point possible?) it was like owning a fighter plane but finding instead of a jet engine someone has swapped it for a propeller.

The update after this though, he was in fact faster than a Kia I came across a few minutes later, bear in mind he was on a dual carriageway so had the national speed limit I clocked him at 17mph for a while and he eventually went up to 25mph before he turned off at a set of traffic lights, almost hit a car, then stopped totally trying to work out how to get over a level crossing, tried to turn into a good yard which had a large gate closed over it then I followed him past a speed sign that showed his speed as ... 19mph  !!!!!