Todays words

Throom - This is the dull but obvious noise of a non hot plug device destroying itself a short plausel after you have removed it from the server without removing the power correctly.
The drive will emit a Throom whilst in your hands causing you to notice the entire server crashing moments after - more than likely you will emit a "Feckless" comment during the Plausel.

Chancery - This is the sudden loss of all noise and activity an engineer experiences when he's just removed the main power feed to a server room only to find nothing was attached to the UPS systems.
It bears similar relations to the religeous use of a Chancery, in this case the stone cold eerie silence coupled with the faint sound of someone praying to God.

Knappling - the sound one makes as he uses a PDA pen on a pda screen, its not quite a knocking sound nor is it a tapping sound, it is however one of the most annoying sounds made on the planet and often leads to somone being told they are feckless. Knappling is regularly used with Shringles.

Shringles - the almost perceptible but not quite recognisable ring tones and key tones a mobile phone or PDA makes, the person hearing the Shringles can almost recognise the noises or tunes but not quite - this makes for an annoying rendition of the Shringles as they hum them throughout the day, this is due to Shringles being designed to be unforgettable to the human brain whilst at the same time complex enough that the human brain cannot rebuild the entire data pattern. You will notice once an attack of the Shringles starts each person can hum a different part but no one can hum the entire sequence or recreate it no matter how many people are involved.

Fertching - This is the task of considerable searching without actually finding the answer - "I'll just Fertch that for you ...". Sometimes Fertching may be used whilst you know there is no answer anyway just to pass the time.

Windless - This is the result of installing a mandatory Microsoft update despite the fact you don't want it. The machine is then rendered inoperable by the Operating system crashing and is therefore "Windless". A typical Windless update would overwrite the official graphics driver with Microsofts own for example thus installing Windless operation.

Gurdling - The pointless exercise of moving people or equipment around without actually improving the situation. You might for example Gurdle the office and move everyone's desks around or Gurdle a server, moving all the drives around but finding after all that work nothing's better than it was before, in fact it's more than likely made things worse - use with Feckless as well i.e "He's a Feckless Gurdler" or "That Gurdling was a Feckless time" or "Please send Feckless engineer to site to Gurdle the server cabinet".
Gurdling often initiates Plausels and Thattles and in worse cases leads to Chancery.

I'll have an F please Bob

Tech supports words of the day ....

We've been working on a new word of the day, so far this week we have.

Feckless - Basically someone or something that's useless or a waste of time and space i.e "He's a Feckless idiot" or "That's Feckless".

Chervil - Used in conjunction with additional verbs and nouns such as "He's Chervilized that" - Now a Chervil is a herb and in this context if you chervil something you add or change something, you might be the Chervilator who does the Chervilizing or suffer Chervilisation, nicely you can use this with Feckless i.e "He's a Feckless Chervilator"

Plausel - This is the unmeasurable but incredibly painful period of time you have to wait for something you expect to happen such as turning the power on to a server and the horrible pause before it actually bursts into life. Other Plausels are seen when you insert a hot plug hard drive, the drive then Plausels causing the customer to remark the part you just fitted was "Feckless" then just as you begin to believe him the plausel completes and the bloody thing works.

Thrattle - This relates to any part of machinery or computer equipment that makes a noise without you actually knowing what's causing it - an example will be the thrattle of a hard drive as you can hear it accessing, strip one down and there's no clue what actually makes that noise. Other Thrattles are vibrations you assume come from the case but you remove every panel and tape everything up to find the noise continues - sometimes the Thrattle is part of a Plausel and you often think the result of someone Cherviling.

Nadget - A small amount, you might need to push a hot plug hard drive a nadget to get it to latch in so the plausel can start.

Chinkle - The noise a computer part makes when you engage or release the locking latch, a hot plug hard drive for example makes a chinkle as you engage the securing latch after you have just pushed it a nadget to seat it correctly.

Sometimes the Chinkle is the result of some previous Chervil activity but technically thats a Thrattle not a chinkle.

Countdown to the annual trek

This should be interesting is almost an understatement, perhaps similar to the thoughts going through Oppenheimers mind the moment before he triggered the first atomic bomb or Custer before he found out first hand what a pack of Pissed off Red Indians (Sorry - Native Americans) can do when they are all fired up and intent on all out massacre.

Anyway, without digressing too much off the main story it's almost time for the annual holiday.
Our choice this year was a slight move around the coast from where we were last year (we've moved from Bude to Sandy Beach (Near Exmouth), to Brixham and now moved a bit further and have picked somewhere called Challaborough Bay, opposite Burgh Island.

Reviews are few and sketchy and the site has two operators on the same small location, one appears to be gaining a reputation similar to the hospitality shown to certain nations during WWII whilst the other seems to get glowing reviews.

We've chosen to bypass the former (I think the recent comment that you can only take a shit if you sit on the toilet sideways and dangle your privates over the outside has backed up this decision), another was that their caravan appeared made up of fragments of out of date caravans.

I am sure on the day we will find out what's what, if it turns out we have a cheapo special I'll be writing my next post from prison anyway so that won't be a problem.

Reading the reviews as well it's clear that if you get anyone that regards themselves as an "ace" driver or fancies a challenge then the road leading to this location will bring out the best in you.
I'm not a major fan of Devon roads anyway, particularly last year when we were going down a road barely wider than my car only to be overtaken at 50mph (I've still no idea how they got the car through a gap of 2ft), the car then dissapeared around a right hand bend to be replaced 2 seconds later by a white Transit coming at high speed towards me - and then they wonder why the death toll is high there ?

On the plus side one person did comment the cafe food was undercooked and he was treated like shit so it sounds like a home from home.
I'll be sure of one thing though to post the hard facts (assuming I don't get killed if the food really is not cooked right).

At the end of the day as a kid I used to stop in a caravan lit only by the light of gas mantles, the nearest toilet was an option of a bucket, a quick pee out the door or a 100yd dash to the spider ridden communal toilets. Water had to be fetched in a plastic carrier but we spent many many good holidays in there and as kids it was all an adventure.
With this in mind anything with a roof, some kind of sanitation and facilities is certainly no worse.

So it's countdown to the annual trek and hopefully some posts from the bottom of the country, assuming the wifi works and we have some of Nikola Tesla's AC wonderporioum of the modern age - AC power.

Adios until then (hmmm I've noticed a distinct down turn in the crude language I've used lately so it might be better to sign off with .... Cock !)

That's better.

Armourgeddon

Well After 25 Years of Marriage most people celebrate in the traditional way, we were no different so decided to have some Tank paint balling.

The Venue was Armourgeddon near Market Harborough, Leicester (http://www.chaospaintball.co.uk/)
Nice and easy to find on the A5199 we arrived with enough time to scoff down a D-Day torpedo roll at the snack bar. It might sound expensive at £3 for a hot dog and to be honest under the trade description act calling it a 12" hot dog didn't seem accurate, 14" seemed more like it - we had these enormous hot dogs (with onions) and a drink, chilled out watching the other tanks (there's plenty of viewing area so anyone can take pictures etc) then into the hangar for kitting out in camo gear and helmets.

We had a desert tank, a mere lightweight at 17 tonnes and all took turns driving, loading and shooting the paintball ammo (paint filled ping pong balls), you drive with the hatches open and then try with the hatches closed so not one for anyone subject to sudden panic attacks.
Moving round the tank is mostly crawling around in the mud you've trodden in (take some VERY mud proof boots and some spare shoes to change into - to say it was muddy wouldn't do it justice and we laughed as one woman turned up in what amounted to flip flops !!!) make sure you keep your helmets on as there's plenty of head banging and thumping, the nearest head trauma clinic is far too far away so it's not good to leave blood pouring out the back of the tank.

So kitted out and having tried firing the tanks we then have a mini tank battle, that involves moving to a point, firing two rounds as quick as you can at the other tank, the first to fire can then move to the next point - if you get your rounds off quick then your a moving target so may get an advantage.
Whilst this sounds easy trust me with the hatches closed, your mad wife driving and mad brother shooting it's anything but easy. Our instructor (Ollie) forgot to give us the 10 rounds of ammo so unfortunately I spilled the whole box full on the floor of the tank while we had all the hatches shut and the opposing tank (with two instructors in) firing at us.
This game involves shouting as much as possible but ensuring you put "Fuck" in between every word i.e "Fucking Loading", "Fucking Ready", "Fucking Firing", "Fucking missed" etc.
Trust a 46 year old fat guy when he says 10 rounds in a tank with the hatches down was more than enough - we drew 7 -7 against the instructors so were happy with that.
It also helps to shout as loud as possible to the driver, they can't hear you with their headset on but it makes for more of a laugh "Fucking GO GO GO, Fucking STOP etc".


As wedding anniversaries go you couldn't beat hurling 17 tonnes of fighting steel around a muddy field and firing rounds at the "bad guys", covered in mud and laughing we headed off for the rifle shooting which you can get for £10 if your tank driving - we fired off 30 rounds with 10 being at a target, fortunately we left a couple of targets unmarked so they can use them again, I scored 7 out of 10 with a nice cluster of three by the manufacturer marks on the lower right - I think the butterflies are safe for another day.

Another 12" (or is it 14") hot dog and we're done for the day.

Many thanks to all the guys at Armourgeddon, they reassured us while trying to ram a hardened steel hatch on our heads, talked us through the bits we needed but unlike some people they had fun with us and encouraged us all to have a good day.

We're now waiting for a CD of pictures they take of you during your travels, they use a decent camera and take plenty of photos (salutes, Hitler gestures etc) and you get to view some on your return to the hangar - it may sound expensive for a CD at £30 (for the group) but bear in mind the group is three people and some of the rip off fun fairs charge £6 or £7 for a log flume picture so in reality it's OK - and it's fucking hard taking a photo on a tank bashing and sliding through mud (I took a 3 min video of nothing - I presume the camera got knocked in my pocket and took 3 mins of my pocket) so if you don't have a camera they will take pictures and mail you a CD full.

All in all you spend 2 hours in the tank rotating around then deciding on your positions for the final battle, trust me that 2 hours is plenty, spare a thought for our troops spending their lives in these things, our tank had seen service in Iraq so it's not a nice spacious place, fart in here and you loose all your friends quickly.

If your going make sure you take a hell of a pair of boots, some spare shoes and make sure you have a D-Day hot dog as well - p.s don't over charge the gun, I charged a bit too much and my brother ended up firing into the field behind so apologies to anyone who finds a pink cow in the morning !

Roger and Out - Tangos at 2 O'Clock (or is it 13:50 ?)