Wednesday 28 October 2009

2012 and counting



Sometimes you sit there and feel violated, you feel that it's your right to decide when to waste you own time and when not to.

So after watching 2012 I felt that someone had come and removed 1 hour 24 minutes and 36 seconds from my life without my permission - bastard !

The term wooden does not do the inane child like acting justice, I can only hope they used video cameras to film it so they didn't waste any tape and can re-use what they took.
With a reasonable amount of luck the Mayans got it right and the long count calendar will end, the world will stop turning and this piece of shit will be lost forever.

Even with the inane decision to take a light airplane (despite knowing the climate and weather systems are going to go haywire) did little to raise the level from shitty drivel to anything higher.
I sense the Mayan knew the upcoming DVD and TV release, the icon Uo above looks surprisingly like a TV with a large cross in as if to say "no fucking 2012 movie".

The main issue is I can't get back the time I wasted - I could have boiled 28 eggs in the time this utter shite wafted over the screen, if the film is trying to get across a religious message it should be "Please grant me a power cut NOW".

A quick tip, when giving CPR the ideal tactic is not to shout "1...2...3...4" when compressing the rib cage, apparently the song "Staying Alive" is the perfect rhythm so make sure in a loud and clear voice you scream in a high pitch tone "ah ah ah ah staying alive .... eeeeaahhhhhhh eerrrrrruuaaaahhhhhhhhhh" , ribs cracking and shit but at least he would have had more fun in the jungle.

At the time of writing its only 1149 Days, 7 hours, 33 Minutes until this film is lost forever.

Make sure you keep your copy handy.







Official2012Countdown.com

Thursday 22 October 2009

The Dog Particle

They say the reason CERN can't find the so called "God" particle is proof of Gods existence.
The argument goes like this, if he had wanted you to find it then he would have allowed you to, the fact you can't find it proves that God exists and therefore there's no point looking anymore.

This perhaps carries a portion of truth, for example no one has God's phone number which must mean he has one because he hasn't allowed anyone to have it and therefore it must be a fact.

By a stroke of irony people who hear voices in their head are labeled "Mad" and locked up in a dark place, people who say God has spoken to them are revered and held as "chosen", I often wonder what would happen if someone proclaimed voices spoke to them and added a few moments later "in binary" ........

Even better however would be one of the other crackpot ideas that Cern will create a particle that will go back in time - could be good for a laugh, they create a particle that destroys everything and at the last minute the scientists decide to create a time warp, shoot back in time and bugger up the current Cern project thus preventing themselves from ever inventing it in the first place, but if that was true then they wouldn't have invented it so couldn't have gone back in time to stop themselves from inventing it !

Even better would be to pop back in time, ring your own doorbell and run off !

Personally though all this bollocks is just what the mad far wing extremists need to keep their frantic minds fueled, I'm sure the same crap was spouted when the first wheel was invented "That will destroy us all" was surely the cry ?

The first cars must have caused people to take a loaded gun with them "Crikey Matilda, we're almost at 5 Miles Per Hour, I had better shoot us both before the G force rips the skin from our bodies".

Cern is just another step in the rock bashing that the ape like life forms have achieved in our attempts to understand the world around us.
I can't see the issue really, it's a large rock with a molten core whizzing through the galaxy at something around 25,000 MPH.

Hopefully Cern will create the God particle (without blowing the world up), then realize they had missed the "non God particle", the "I might believe in God but I'm not sure particle", the "I'd like to believe but I need some proof first particle" and the "no not ever even if you gave me his phone number particle".
Add to that the "someone left the light on particle", the "where does this one go particle" and "I've got a spare bit left over particle" it should be a fun year.
I can only imagine the wild parties they must have at Cern.

Anyway, having been stuck behind a Daewoo Matiz tonight doing a whopping 25 mph I can certainly vouch that should the God particle be found and should it trigger a black hole then fairs fair but at least the bastard in the Matiz should go before me.

With some luck Cern may notice a previously unknown slow moving particle that appears to have fuck all use and blocks the progress of all other particles, they should call it the Matiz particle in honor of these slow bastards who clutter the road with their scrap metal, it will exist for exactly 4 years then decay in a small pile of rust.

It might even be they get some success and manage to make lovely little black holes which they find out anyone can make - next Xmas we might see mini LHCs in Argos for £89.99 - I can see the return queue now "I want to return this Hadron Collider please, it says make your own black holes on the box, this fuckers faulty it just made an alternate parallel universe, that's not what little Johnny wanted for Xmas you bastards, and I want my money back on the 96 AA batteries it needed".

Ah well Halloween next....

Sunday 18 October 2009

Even more Flashpoint fun and games

Yesterday I amused myself reading some of the feedback that people have posted about their Flashpoint experiences.

One chap politely pointed out "Where are the fucking vehicles?" - and went on to say that despite 70 apparently being available in the game he got in no more than 2 during the whole game.

We decided to press on with Flashpoint but I remembered not to walk up any stairs in case I died suddenly.

The Airport mission that caused us so much grief was concluded, we found the best solution was to hide in the control tower and simply wait until the level ended.

Going from there my brother had one of the AI team walk right in front of him as he tried to launch a Javelin missile, not once but every time he tried.
Adding to this was a mission where we had to tail some chap called Hong then take him out, that was actually quite an enjoyable mission, you had to remain undetected so it was night vision and silenced guns when you needed them.

A Quick air strike took car of Leader Hong, Hang or whatever his name was, which left us to extract to the beach.
So you would ask yourself should I take this nice fully operational truck ? So we did, a quick drive down the nearest slope (no problems), we then noticed a road block on our left, so a slight turn to the right and ... Ahh Fuck - the truck completely turns upside down !

Much complaining and arguing later this time its my Brothers turn to drive the truck, we get to within 1 Km of the beach and then he hits a blade of grass or some other ultra hardened object, true to form the truck bounces like a fat chicks boobs in a cheap British porno and we're all thrown out the truck.

The good news is that none of my review is even considered close to the harsh comments left by others - One chap said he'll send his CV in for chief programmer, the reason being he couldn't do a worse job!!

How copy - Solid Copy, Codemasters are just as crap as ever!

Just in case they disagree I could fire up this junk on my Xbox and simply play the game to prove my point.

Saturday 17 October 2009

Review time - Operation Flashpoint - Drags on and Rising

Casting my mind back many years to when we used PC's to play games on and consoles had a little chap jumping over blocks as their main games I recall the PC game (and I still have a copy) Operation Flashpoint.

Despite a lengthy install process and taking up more hard drive space than the average "Bikini" photos we entered the game with open minds and eager child like anticipation.
It offered "hours of walking to cross the map", realistic weapons and vehicles etc etc blah blah blah.

In reality the enemy was nothing more than a pixel on the horizon with trigger accuracy akin to drive by shooters in some large Urban towns.
If you did see the enemy you normally saw the "death" animation moments later or found you fired about 900 bullets, still didn't kill them and they dispatched you with one pistol shot.
Certain that these minor teething issues would be resolved we persevered with the game, even buying the expansion pack.

The vehicles should have given the clues to what we should have done with the game.
When your offered "realistic", "True to life handling", "as close as it gets" etc this appears to mean everything except this.

Take the tanks for example, we used to get in one (I presume 40 or 50 tons of good metal there?) and you would touch a small stone to find the tank bounces like a ping pong ball - on several games we watched our tank bounce left, then right, then left etc bouncing further each time until the tank would fall onto it's side.
If you decided to "Explore anywhere on the map at any time" you often found tanks hitting the edge of the grass and stopping dead, sometimes the tank would jump many feet into the air then hit the ground before toppling over again.

The Helicopters were even better, many times we got in one only to find it started to climb into the air, gave up then turned upside down and landed on the grass, perfectly happy with the rotors still spinning.
You could even get in and out the chopper and it would sit there quite comfortable in the thought that it was anything but upside down.
It certainly helped team up with the upside down tanks or sideways vehicles.

Anyway, we decided never to play this any more and over the years moved onto the Xbox for our games.
Time passed and games such as COD 4 came by, Rainbow 6 etc - all excellent games in their own right, Gears of war etc and who can forget Halo ?

So we find ourselves once more dressed in our "i'm more gullible than him" T-shirt and awaiting delivery of Operation Flashpoint Dragon Rising.

The Xbox is fired up and we start Co-Op play, the game offers "9 hours to walk across the map", "Realistic vehicles", "wide choice of realistic weapons" etc etc

Our first battle saw us screaming that each other was a fecking idiot etc then finding you die for no apparent reason, you find a vehicle, get in it and 2 seconds later it explodes, and for the best of the best I decided to perform a task so deadly I'm not surprised I died.

What pray was this small task ? Did I run into the enemy base and single handedly take on 400 enemy ? Did i try and drive a jeep through enemy check points ? Did I ????

Actually the death defying task I performed which actually killed me stone dead where I stood was .... walking up some stairs !

The villiage was cleared of all enemy, I walked into a wooden hut, my brother walked up stairs, I followed and died at the top step.

After re-spawning, I tried again and died on the same step !!!!

We also got in tank, saddled up and moved off, I made the fatal mistake of touching a rock and over she went, bouncing like a fat mans bollocks on a cobbled road.
The fricking tank bounced and rolled over - for fucks sake, we're back at the old PC game days.

Now I've driven a tank, it takes more than a rock the size of a chickens bollocks to make it roll over, get a grip Codemasters.

Even better was me screaming at my brother to stop twatting about with the tank as I couldn't aim, we them swapped seats so I could drive.
Turns out even with no one else in the tank, i.e just me sitting in the turret the tank twitches like the dying corpse of a wounded animal, the turret (your trying to aim) twitches with it and you may as well shoot bullets out your arse.

Put people back in the tank and the turret becomes a roulette wheel, spinning wildly while your trying to aim it, to the point where your actually firing the wrong direction.

Last nights battle ? we took out two tanks with rockets (ignored the enemy soldiers as you can't see them without a scope on your gun anyway), fought our way to the airbase, called in an airstrike to take out enemy tanks and then had to shoot down an enemy chopper.

I switched to Sam missles, tracked the chopper and fired ... hmm a miss....
The game then locked out all my buttons so I couldn't change weapons or reload - instead standing there like a fucking idiot (Take not Codemasters) anyway I then tried to reload again but died immediately without knowing why.

I don't like to use the phrase "Bag of shit" or "more bugs than the piece of shit on the PC", or "Codemasters should be ashamed of themselves".

To release a game in this day and age at the price they expect you to pay with such rudimentary bugs is beyond anything you expect.
You can't pick your weapons, one team member has a thermal scope for example so can see the enemy quiet clearly, the other has iron sights - so already there are issues.
If you decide to be a sniper you have a night sight but not thermal sight, it simply doesn't add up.
Then add the fact your team wanders where it pleases and refuses to follow basic instructions it all adds up to yet another code masters disaster.

The irony is the graphics are there, the game sports nice effects and decent graphics, the issue is down to poor equipment allocation, enemies who are more trigger happy than a bunch of gangsters and the "realism" level being totally stupid.

Operation Flashpoint ? - more like operation Waste of fucking time !

To quote the came - "How Copy you ?" - "Calling Codemasters, Solid Copy, the game is actually more shit than your original PC version many years ago, Suggest you proceed immediately to extraction point and sack yourselves for being Foxtrot Charlie - i.e Fucking Crap".
As for me I will be "Proceeding immediately to Ebay or Gamestation to initiate operation 'rid thyself' where it involves selling it quickly and playing a game that actually works."
I don't think mine was a solid copy !

Sell now - Perhaps someone else will enjoy it.

Wednesday 14 October 2009

It's not mine...

While planet Earth hurtles at several zillion miles an hour through the farthest reaches of the Milky Way with several billion fragile lifeforms clinging on by nothing more than the unified belief in a force called "Gravity" holding them on, I'm reminded of the horrors that the Carbon based life forms have inflicted on the Universe.

I am of course talking about colour changing glowing Mice.
Now I'm not on about the squeaking rodent variety which my dog used to love devouring, leaving their little tails wiggling out of the corner of her mouth as she swallowed them down - I am of course speaking of the PC variety, the considerably more annoying version of the said rodent.

I notice in a famous PC store somewhere in the "World" that they have knocked a massive £3 off the price of one during their clearance sale.
Fortunately I was handed one on my desk at work recently whilst I had my trusty screwdriver to hand, a quick shout of "what the fuck is this gay shit" and moments later the electronics were dissected from the bowels of the beast.
Like a slaughtered animal it's body parts lay strewn and the entrails dangled over my desk with the light changing colours in the faint hope that it may attract a mate before it died a horrible death (by me hammering the electronics with heavy objects).

Now computer mice should be like Children, easily controlled and in the case of film celebrities easy to exchange if you don't like the one you have already.
When your hand is effectively on a whores knickers, lighting up the room in all fancy colours your on your own when you plug one in at your local McDonalds and start to surf the web.
I can see the headlines now - "Man kicked to death by own family in McDonalds" - they say the life of a Monk is a lonely one, it's fuck all compared to the lonely life of someone who plugs in a colour changing mouse in front of his kids.

I'll send a petition immediately to the Vatican to ask that they ban them from being used as they make you look gay and also ask if NASA can possibly cram them all into their next test launch so we can pop them all off into Space.

Hopefully many years from now as a sensible mouse orientated planet we will witness the first encounter with Non Earth Intelligence, I can imagine the meeting now.

Our finest minds and representatives are beamed aboard their space ship, the Alien leader announces they have traveled thousands of light years to reach our planet and remark in some ways how our civilizations are very similar. In their travels through space they have come across our probes, rockets and even space debris and have admired our scientific creations and been fascinated by our creative minds. They have sacrificed lifetimes to search for our planet to further their understanding of this interesting culture and expand the relations through the known Universe through the word of Peace.

Obviously someone from the Earth delegation will remark in a louder than expected voice (due to unforseen echos from the Alien ship walls) that the Alien leader appears Gay as he has what appears to be an old colour changing PC mouse plugged into his console (obviously rescued from the Space Junk) - History will record how the Alien leader stood up, shouted "It's not fucking mine" moments before reducing the planet to ashes and throwing the world representitives to his dogs.

His parting words will be "I like the way their legs wiggle in the dogs mouths before they swallow them down".

Let these words be heeded, lest the end of the World is nigh through the beast known as colour changing mice (£9.99 for a limited time ....)

Sunday 11 October 2009

Ding Dong Dell

I always like it when you get a strange message on a computer that relates to nothing seen before.
My brother slapped what first appeared to be a warm steaming turd on my desk but after polishing it for a while it showed itself to be a Dell GX280.

It was his old work machine until they made him redundant so I can't blame him for picking such filth up.

Ironically I regard these machines as exceptionally well made, if you open the clam shell the cables are always a lesson in how to do it, the design with the drives contained in the lid and the main system in the base plate is also commendable.

They let themselves down by small things like the units running hot on some processors, difficult expansion and we have seen a lot of system boards fail (faulty capacitors) or simply blow themselves up.

Anyway to cut a very long story into a slightly less long story, he was having trouble - it turns out after a while in storage it beeps like mad when turned on and does very little (sounds like a typical Gx280).

This unit needs DDR2 533mhz Ram so it was no surprise to find his previous company had put Kingston Value RAM in, one stick was 533mhz, the other 400mhz!
A quick replacement with some 533mhz and were at least booting to BIOS screen now.

For added fun value the GX then decided to give a "OS Install mode enabled" and told us memory was limited to 256MB.
Amusingly boot into any OS and it shows 256MB despite 1GB being fitted.

Even more amusingly the boffins who wrote the BIOS decided you can't do anything to turn this option on or off, there's simply no setting in the later versions of BIOS.

After much cursing to the shoddy dick head who thought this up I resorted to the time honored "Clear CMOS", the good news is if your in the same position i.e just about to insert a large foot up the Arse of your Dell because of this error and finding the option does not exist in BIOS then clearing the CMOS cured it.
I presume it was an relic from a previous BIOS, the CMOS battery was a little low so somehow that option got toggled in the BIOS memory, you then get the message and can't do anything about it because the newer BIOS has no options !

If there's one thing you can't beat it's a PC sticking it's arse in your face and calling you a bitch.

I don't think the GX realizes how lucky it's been, it's a cold and lonely place on our local tip - next time you might not be so lucky !

Quick tip for anyone running Ubuntu (hopefully all the sensible people who are fed up to the back teeth with the shit delivered by WinDoze and it's happy band of 12 year olf Virus creators etc) - in preparation for 9.10 (Karmic Koala) Ubuntu rolled out some updates, Wicd (the replacement network manager) seemed to go a bit nutty with these updates and sometimes wouldn't connect to wireless or connect then drop off later.

Fortunately you can remove it and put the original network manager on with a quick trip to the terminal screen and a "sudo apt-get install network-manager" - this removes Wicd (which I still hope to put back on when Karmic is installed) and replaces with the network manager.
Now comes an interesting situation, I've seen it on one or two machines, the network manager says no networks are connected but your actually connected !

Hold your mouse over the network manager icon and it gives a clue, it says "not managed", the reason your showing no network connection is the network manager has been told not to manage the connection (possibly Wicd did this when it took over? but I've seen it on a fresh install).
The fix is nice and simple.

Locate the network manager configuration file i.e open a terminal.
cd /etc/NetworkManager
edit it ...
sudo gedit nm-system-settings.conf

you will see
[main]
plugins=ifupdown,keyfile

[ifupdown]
managed=false

Change false to "True" and save the file.
Either restart or better still kill the network manager processes.
sudo killall nm-system-settings

This will force network manager to restart and Robert is inded your Mothers Brother.

This is what I like about Ubuntu or any linux for that matter, kill a major service and it just knows to restart it and carry on.
Windows on the other hand, simply boot it up and your in deep shit.

My work colleague made the fatal mistake of updating his video driver in Vista, his 4 day old laptop (quad core no less) was left with an operating system that may as well have been a block of wood.
You would ask why can't a stable operating system be made before the decision is made to abandon it and go onto the next one.
Already Windows 7 is being installed the world over, XP is effectively not supported and Vista is only worth installing on your ex-wife/girlfriends machine or your worst enemies PC.
I was chatting to a customer Thursday, he was running SCO unix, his clients first reboot on a server i.e the FIRST time it needed a power down or reboot was THREE YEARS from the day it was installed.

I've said it before, I'll say it again, why tolerate paying for an operating system that continually demands more and more overheads, has poor virus protection and will force you to upgrade your hardware regularly or replace itself regularly just so you can type one or two letters ?

Peace to everyone (Unless your a Windoze lover - in which case I hope your computers running shitty - like they always do).

Sunday 4 October 2009

The many faces of...

Pleasure it seems comes in many forms, for some it's nothing more than a enjoying chunk of chocolate, for others a nice meal, watching someone fall down flights of stairs or many other timeless pass times.

One of my favorite hobbies is the Old git in his car - pull up at almost any car park and you can witness this fast growing event.

Over the years I've realized these people actually fall into categories, why not play today and see if you can spot one near you ?

The Turd Polisher.
These can provide hours of amusement - basically they drive an old M or P registration car, hopefully a Morris Marina or Talbot, park in the local supermarket, let their wife out to do some shopping and then the fun begins.

They pull out an old rag and begin slowly and deftly polishing the car regardless of the weather - now this is an important factor, a true devotee to the turd polishing will polish slowly and methodically (and bear in mind I've witnessed this myself) in rain or snow. In fact the only time I've seen them give up was during a torrential thunderstorm or an intense hail shower.
Thankfully the moment this subsides they hop out for renewed turd cleaning.

The Homing Pidgeon.
These form a small percentage of the OAP drivers.
As an example of perhaps one of the world leaders I'll describe what I witnessed only yesterday, a true honor and privilege to witness a master at work.
True to form he had a large R registration estate (looked like an old Talbot but the rust hid the true vehicle identity, a Peugot 406 was my other guess).
First he came into the local petrol station via the exit (at 2mph), he then proceeded to locate a pump by driving the wrong way around the garage (much to the amusement of the other drivers).
So very very very very slowly he navigated around the pumps (in opposition to the main traffic), decided non were suitable then turned sharp left and placed his car at 90 degree angle across the middle pump lanes thus blocking all traffic from being able to use these lanes.
His car remained for a while as he then plotted his next move, some people think they are lost or make random movements but nothing is done without a plan - it may take them 45 years to get to the local supermarket but it's the care and attention to detail on the route that matters.
After a couple of minutes he then makes a multiple point turn (probably 9 goes to turn his car 90 degrees more to the left) ,where he then pulls up beside his chosen pump.

I timed his antics, all in all he took 11 minutes to get into the garage and pull up beside his pump, had he come in the correct entrance he most likely could have driven straight to the pump and been done.

I left (slightly saddened) witnessing him attempting to get out his car - it seemed this was not just a master of one art but it seemed I was witnessing probably the Grand Ubermeister - a person with multiple skills.

The Oooofer .
These are one of the most common OAP drivers you will see, still much amusement can be had observing them waiting for one of the other grand masters to come along.
They often appear reasonably competent when driving (sticking to speed limits etc) which lures you into a false sense of security.
They then pull up in front of you quite often at the petrol pump, blocking your exit and then they begin.
Very slowly (they seem to take an age), they open the door, quit often shutting it part way or all the way, then open it again then they reach the pinnacle of their act.
If you watch carefully they then grab all the car bodywork and attempt to leave the car with shouts of "ooooof", "ooooooooooooof" - this typically takes five or ten minutes.
You in the mean time have filled your car up and have just paid for your fuel so get back to your car in time to see the old git has only got one leg out.
Finally after longer than it takes for petrol to evaporate they get out the car, attempt several times to shut the car door (with more "ooofs"), lock the car *Note here that NO O.A.P will have remote locking, they ALWAYS use a key and put it on a keyring with 4000 other keys*, then proceed to the fueling stage.
Predictable as always they find the fuel cap locked, go back to the drivers side, find the correct key and unlock it, then after what seems a fucking eternity find the fuel cap release lever, close the door and lock it again.
Back round to the fuel cap, remove the cap (your engine is meanwhile reaching critical temperature now), remove the cap - spend several minutes trying to put it somewhere then after placing it there it rolls off anyway.

Now comes the fuel selection, after picking every wrong nozzle they finally make their selection and then very carefully fill up with £2.50 worth.
After tapping the nozzle several times to ensure every drop is counted for they then spend ages locating the dropped fuel cap, about 5 minutes fitting it then find they can't shut the fuel flap (the car locking assembly has engaged the locking pin) so they go back to the drivers door, unlock the door, back to the fuel flap, close that, back to the drivers door, lock that and then off to pay.

I myself have timed this event at 22 minutes - I've actually seen my "miles remaining" dropping as I sit there silently screaming.

The lighthouse keeper.
These are considerable fun, you can actually play along whilst driving.
You'll be driving along a clear road, nothing ahead then he will either make his move and pop out a side entrance or will be waiting around the bend.
Either way you approach on a bright sunny cloudless day and find yourself behind someone doing 15 mph.
Slowing down to avoid a collision you then find he reveals himself.
Without warning all the car lights come on including the fog lights (bear in mind if he's a turd polisher they will be amazingly clean and therefore brighter than anything your used to), he'll also stab his brakes regularly to ensure he has your attention.

There's nothing quite like the amusement had pulling back so he turns everything off then suddenly creeping forwards, the lights often mimic the distance you are away from the rear of his car - 50 feet = all lights on, 40 = feet fog lights on, 30 feet = random stabbing of brake pedals.
If your fortunate the old git will also be a mastter "Flag waver", these make random and severe hand and arm gestures which bear resemblence to rock carvings in 4000 year old Mayan temples.

No human alive has any idea what the idiot is trying to say but it'a obviously a lost language, look carefully you might see Fog light ON, large arm gesture, fog light OFF, ON, OFF, ON, Brake light ON, more gestures.

Personally I've no fucking idea but I presume he's greeting me and saying "as a fellow road user, please follow my car but I'm a fucking idiot so I have to flash all my lights to warn other road users" or something like that.

The good news is they drive so slowly and spend so much time looking in the rear mirror that at any time you can accelerate past them - if you do this they normally invite you to play along by flashing their headlights at you several times.
I once accepted this kind and heartwarming invitation by slowing down and putting all my lights on so he can play as well - even better I played "Stab the brakes" and he thanked me by flashing his lights and attempting to overtake me at 20mph.

Quite simply one of the most enjoyable of the OAP driving styles.

The lost lamb.
These are so common that to be fair they provide no amusement nor enjoyment unless you witness one of the grand masters of the art.

They normally show themselves by driving at the obligatory 20mph but either slam their brakes on and turn violently (but slowly) towards a turning then take one of several choices.
1) They either put their indicator on but stop 1/2 way through the turn to check the road is clear (bearning in mind everyone has performed emergency stops to prevent collision).
2) They decide this might not be the turn as it doesn't look the right colour or smell right, they stop and then turn on the opposite indicator - this however leads to multiple choices as well.
3) Depending on 1 or 2 above they either continue the turn or actually turn the wrong way back into the traffic - thus the conclusion is that irrespective of the fact an indicator is on it has no relation to the fricking direction they intend to take.
4) In some cases they stop and engage the reverse lights on the car - quite rare but always keep a camera handy in case you see this.
5) Should the decision be made to complete the turn this will of course result in the car being stuck, they will have turned slightly too late so no car in existence has the ability to turn at such a sharp angle. This then leads to a blocked road with much horn honking.
6) look very carefully, if you sometimes see the wipers come on rather than the indicators, this can reveal a few seconds warning that "something" is about to happen, if you recognize this trigger you may have sufficient time to put your mobile into video mode and capture the event.

The Shuffler.
I have seen this skill mixed with the turd polisher and the Ooofer, when parking it's important to check EVERY space.
The Shuffler will move periodically and randomly to several places before settling on a space furthest away frm their destination.
I witnessed this best in a well known supermarket in Lincoln - Whilst sitting in my car eating a sandwich an old lady approached, turned far too late into the space thus rubbing her front bumper along the side of my car.
She then stopped, engaged reverse and smartly reversed out the space and into a volvo parked in a space opposite - the Volve responded by shaking violently.
A quick change back to first gear and more rubbing down the side of my car (bear in mind I was trying to get out my door at this time so had to jump back in to save my life).
Not content with "amlost" getting into this space (and bear in mind her wing mirror was rubbing on my door glass leaving 4 inches of space at the widest point) she engaged reverse again, went out the space, hit the Volvo another glancing blow, back into forward gear and she then zig zagged across the car park before nestling in a space several hundred yards away.

Deeming it safe to get out I examined the marks on the paintwork of my company car (so no damage there then !) and went to inspect the Volvo with the cracked number plate and nicely scuffed bumper.
As timing would have it I was greeted by a voice beind me - "Oy what the fuck are you doing with my car?" to which I thanked the powers that be and described the carnage that ensued, pointing out my own damage and the fact I wrote the registration on my hand lest I die through the repeated impacts.
It was quite amusing watching him vaulting over the shrubbery whilst the old dear was in the middle of here Ooofing routine getting out the car.

Unfortunately I had to leave then but this was safe in the knowledge that whilst the Volve driver was attempting to get an explaination from her I was in no doubt some people would assume he was attacking this frail old woman and get him arrested.

The paper trail.
These are the annoying fuckers who drive in front of you far below the speed limit, wandering all over the road and then ..... out it comes, cigarette wrappers, toffee wrappers, anything they can throw out.
Obviously it's far too much trouble to put a carrier bag into the car and put their own shit into it - and these are the people who moan that they fought in the World War for us, yeah lovely, I appreciate in the War there was most likely a distinct lack of waste bins but now your back in the Green and Pleasant land it doesn't hurt to take your own shit home and throw it away.

Sometimes you see the oooofer or turd polisher also enjoy some paper trail activities, this involves them finding scraps of their own crap in the car and emptying them out into the supermarket car park.

The Squeezer.
These take great delight in putting their car in the smallest space possible or at an angle making it impossible for the drivers or passengers on either side to get in our out of their cars.
I've noticed a true squeezer parks no less than 30 degrees off the true line, the angle is always quite pronounced and I'm sure there are nuclear missles that hit their targets with more precision than these fuckers can put a slab of steel into a clearly marked rectangle.

The old dear in Lincoln was clearly a devotee of the squeezer but let herself down by concentrating on more than one skill at a time, it pays to become an expert in one field before combining them.

I was in a car park in Nottingham once when I met a champion Squeezer, he shoe horned his car into a gap far too small for his car leaving about 8 inches on the passenger side.
His ample (Fat) female passenger then attempted to open her door several times by smashing it into the side of my car.
Bear in mind I'm actually sitting in my car eating a sandwich (it appears I sat in my car a lot eating sandwiches - well yes you do when your a field engineer), she then squeezed herself out of the car (more door banging and lots of oofing) and then for her finale she knocked my wing mirror off as she forced her fat arse past it.

Obviously impressed by their display I attempted a tribute to them by opening my door and smashing it repeatedly against theirs (while they watched), I gave them a brief smile as they walked away.

I completely forgot to add a classic - I was reminded by two grand masters as I drove to work today....

The Time Lord.
These show a mastery of Space and Time that would shame Doctor Who himself.
As an example this morning we were waiting at some traffic lights, they changed to Green and then Space and Time itself seemed to warp, the Ford Galaxy in front of me moved so slowly that I'm sure Glaciers exist in the barren wastes of Norway that move faster.
He pulled over the white line (eventually) and proceeded to turn slower than the outer planets revolve around the most distant of stars, probably no more than 6 feet over the white line the lights turned back to Red leaving him and me with some 40ft to go and the traffic from the left now looking more than ready to go.

After what seemed like an eternity he finally completed his turn and then accelerated to 20mph.
Now I'm pretty sure inside his cabin the story was different, the lights changed, his engine leapt into life and powered his vehicle with such force he had difficulty in controlling it, he then skidded 90 degrees through the turn and was pleased with himself for using his well practised skill controls. He then accelerated to 110mph as he blasted down the road.

Eventually he turned off and some of my hair turned back to its normal colour.
I met No.2 near work, he was achieving the massive speed of 22mph (as shown by the road side speed sign) - he then slowed down as this was far too fast, slammed his brakes on to prevent him loosing control on a slight bend and proceeded to drive like that for his entire journey, slowing down, speeding up and slamming his brakes on.

True masters of their art if ever I have seen them - now before anyone spits and sparks about speed and safety you can actually get a ticket for dangerous driving for going too slowly, I know someone it has happened to - the Police will tell you other drivers feel compelled to swerve around you thus you create a rolling roadblock.
And no I don't go too fast, I drive an Avensis - therefore it's mathematically and physically impossible to go too fast. But I do like to get there some time today.