While planet Earth hurtles at several zillion miles an hour through the farthest reaches of the Milky Way with several billion fragile lifeforms clinging on by nothing more than the unified belief in a force called "Gravity" holding them on, I'm reminded of the horrors that the Carbon based life forms have inflicted on the Universe.
I am of course talking about colour changing glowing Mice.
Now I'm not on about the squeaking rodent variety which my dog used to love devouring, leaving their little tails wiggling out of the corner of her mouth as she swallowed them down - I am of course speaking of the PC variety, the considerably more annoying version of the said rodent.
I notice in a famous PC store somewhere in the "World" that they have knocked a massive £3 off the price of one during their clearance sale.
Fortunately I was handed one on my desk at work recently whilst I had my trusty screwdriver to hand, a quick shout of "what the fuck is this gay shit" and moments later the electronics were dissected from the bowels of the beast.
Like a slaughtered animal it's body parts lay strewn and the entrails dangled over my desk with the light changing colours in the faint hope that it may attract a mate before it died a horrible death (by me hammering the electronics with heavy objects).
Now computer mice should be like Children, easily controlled and in the case of film celebrities easy to exchange if you don't like the one you have already.
When your hand is effectively on a whores knickers, lighting up the room in all fancy colours your on your own when you plug one in at your local McDonalds and start to surf the web.
I can see the headlines now - "Man kicked to death by own family in McDonalds" - they say the life of a Monk is a lonely one, it's fuck all compared to the lonely life of someone who plugs in a colour changing mouse in front of his kids.
I'll send a petition immediately to the Vatican to ask that they ban them from being used as they make you look gay and also ask if NASA can possibly cram them all into their next test launch so we can pop them all off into Space.
Hopefully many years from now as a sensible mouse orientated planet we will witness the first encounter with Non Earth Intelligence, I can imagine the meeting now.
Our finest minds and representatives are beamed aboard their space ship, the Alien leader announces they have traveled thousands of light years to reach our planet and remark in some ways how our civilizations are very similar. In their travels through space they have come across our probes, rockets and even space debris and have admired our scientific creations and been fascinated by our creative minds. They have sacrificed lifetimes to search for our planet to further their understanding of this interesting culture and expand the relations through the known Universe through the word of Peace.
Obviously someone from the Earth delegation will remark in a louder than expected voice (due to unforseen echos from the Alien ship walls) that the Alien leader appears Gay as he has what appears to be an old colour changing PC mouse plugged into his console (obviously rescued from the Space Junk) - History will record how the Alien leader stood up, shouted "It's not fucking mine" moments before reducing the planet to ashes and throwing the world representitives to his dogs.
His parting words will be "I like the way their legs wiggle in the dogs mouths before they swallow them down".
Let these words be heeded, lest the end of the World is nigh through the beast known as colour changing mice (£9.99 for a limited time ....)
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