The many faces of...

Pleasure it seems comes in many forms, for some it's nothing more than a enjoying chunk of chocolate, for others a nice meal, watching someone fall down flights of stairs or many other timeless pass times.

One of my favorite hobbies is the Old git in his car - pull up at almost any car park and you can witness this fast growing event.

Over the years I've realized these people actually fall into categories, why not play today and see if you can spot one near you ?

The Turd Polisher.
These can provide hours of amusement - basically they drive an old M or P registration car, hopefully a Morris Marina or Talbot, park in the local supermarket, let their wife out to do some shopping and then the fun begins.

They pull out an old rag and begin slowly and deftly polishing the car regardless of the weather - now this is an important factor, a true devotee to the turd polishing will polish slowly and methodically (and bear in mind I've witnessed this myself) in rain or snow. In fact the only time I've seen them give up was during a torrential thunderstorm or an intense hail shower.
Thankfully the moment this subsides they hop out for renewed turd cleaning.

The Homing Pidgeon.
These form a small percentage of the OAP drivers.
As an example of perhaps one of the world leaders I'll describe what I witnessed only yesterday, a true honor and privilege to witness a master at work.
True to form he had a large R registration estate (looked like an old Talbot but the rust hid the true vehicle identity, a Peugot 406 was my other guess).
First he came into the local petrol station via the exit (at 2mph), he then proceeded to locate a pump by driving the wrong way around the garage (much to the amusement of the other drivers).
So very very very very slowly he navigated around the pumps (in opposition to the main traffic), decided non were suitable then turned sharp left and placed his car at 90 degree angle across the middle pump lanes thus blocking all traffic from being able to use these lanes.
His car remained for a while as he then plotted his next move, some people think they are lost or make random movements but nothing is done without a plan - it may take them 45 years to get to the local supermarket but it's the care and attention to detail on the route that matters.
After a couple of minutes he then makes a multiple point turn (probably 9 goes to turn his car 90 degrees more to the left) ,where he then pulls up beside his chosen pump.

I timed his antics, all in all he took 11 minutes to get into the garage and pull up beside his pump, had he come in the correct entrance he most likely could have driven straight to the pump and been done.

I left (slightly saddened) witnessing him attempting to get out his car - it seemed this was not just a master of one art but it seemed I was witnessing probably the Grand Ubermeister - a person with multiple skills.

The Oooofer .
These are one of the most common OAP drivers you will see, still much amusement can be had observing them waiting for one of the other grand masters to come along.
They often appear reasonably competent when driving (sticking to speed limits etc) which lures you into a false sense of security.
They then pull up in front of you quite often at the petrol pump, blocking your exit and then they begin.
Very slowly (they seem to take an age), they open the door, quit often shutting it part way or all the way, then open it again then they reach the pinnacle of their act.
If you watch carefully they then grab all the car bodywork and attempt to leave the car with shouts of "ooooof", "ooooooooooooof" - this typically takes five or ten minutes.
You in the mean time have filled your car up and have just paid for your fuel so get back to your car in time to see the old git has only got one leg out.
Finally after longer than it takes for petrol to evaporate they get out the car, attempt several times to shut the car door (with more "ooofs"), lock the car *Note here that NO O.A.P will have remote locking, they ALWAYS use a key and put it on a keyring with 4000 other keys*, then proceed to the fueling stage.
Predictable as always they find the fuel cap locked, go back to the drivers side, find the correct key and unlock it, then after what seems a fucking eternity find the fuel cap release lever, close the door and lock it again.
Back round to the fuel cap, remove the cap (your engine is meanwhile reaching critical temperature now), remove the cap - spend several minutes trying to put it somewhere then after placing it there it rolls off anyway.

Now comes the fuel selection, after picking every wrong nozzle they finally make their selection and then very carefully fill up with £2.50 worth.
After tapping the nozzle several times to ensure every drop is counted for they then spend ages locating the dropped fuel cap, about 5 minutes fitting it then find they can't shut the fuel flap (the car locking assembly has engaged the locking pin) so they go back to the drivers door, unlock the door, back to the fuel flap, close that, back to the drivers door, lock that and then off to pay.

I myself have timed this event at 22 minutes - I've actually seen my "miles remaining" dropping as I sit there silently screaming.

The lighthouse keeper.
These are considerable fun, you can actually play along whilst driving.
You'll be driving along a clear road, nothing ahead then he will either make his move and pop out a side entrance or will be waiting around the bend.
Either way you approach on a bright sunny cloudless day and find yourself behind someone doing 15 mph.
Slowing down to avoid a collision you then find he reveals himself.
Without warning all the car lights come on including the fog lights (bear in mind if he's a turd polisher they will be amazingly clean and therefore brighter than anything your used to), he'll also stab his brakes regularly to ensure he has your attention.

There's nothing quite like the amusement had pulling back so he turns everything off then suddenly creeping forwards, the lights often mimic the distance you are away from the rear of his car - 50 feet = all lights on, 40 = feet fog lights on, 30 feet = random stabbing of brake pedals.
If your fortunate the old git will also be a mastter "Flag waver", these make random and severe hand and arm gestures which bear resemblence to rock carvings in 4000 year old Mayan temples.

No human alive has any idea what the idiot is trying to say but it'a obviously a lost language, look carefully you might see Fog light ON, large arm gesture, fog light OFF, ON, OFF, ON, Brake light ON, more gestures.

Personally I've no fucking idea but I presume he's greeting me and saying "as a fellow road user, please follow my car but I'm a fucking idiot so I have to flash all my lights to warn other road users" or something like that.

The good news is they drive so slowly and spend so much time looking in the rear mirror that at any time you can accelerate past them - if you do this they normally invite you to play along by flashing their headlights at you several times.
I once accepted this kind and heartwarming invitation by slowing down and putting all my lights on so he can play as well - even better I played "Stab the brakes" and he thanked me by flashing his lights and attempting to overtake me at 20mph.

Quite simply one of the most enjoyable of the OAP driving styles.

The lost lamb.
These are so common that to be fair they provide no amusement nor enjoyment unless you witness one of the grand masters of the art.

They normally show themselves by driving at the obligatory 20mph but either slam their brakes on and turn violently (but slowly) towards a turning then take one of several choices.
1) They either put their indicator on but stop 1/2 way through the turn to check the road is clear (bearning in mind everyone has performed emergency stops to prevent collision).
2) They decide this might not be the turn as it doesn't look the right colour or smell right, they stop and then turn on the opposite indicator - this however leads to multiple choices as well.
3) Depending on 1 or 2 above they either continue the turn or actually turn the wrong way back into the traffic - thus the conclusion is that irrespective of the fact an indicator is on it has no relation to the fricking direction they intend to take.
4) In some cases they stop and engage the reverse lights on the car - quite rare but always keep a camera handy in case you see this.
5) Should the decision be made to complete the turn this will of course result in the car being stuck, they will have turned slightly too late so no car in existence has the ability to turn at such a sharp angle. This then leads to a blocked road with much horn honking.
6) look very carefully, if you sometimes see the wipers come on rather than the indicators, this can reveal a few seconds warning that "something" is about to happen, if you recognize this trigger you may have sufficient time to put your mobile into video mode and capture the event.

The Shuffler.
I have seen this skill mixed with the turd polisher and the Ooofer, when parking it's important to check EVERY space.
The Shuffler will move periodically and randomly to several places before settling on a space furthest away frm their destination.
I witnessed this best in a well known supermarket in Lincoln - Whilst sitting in my car eating a sandwich an old lady approached, turned far too late into the space thus rubbing her front bumper along the side of my car.
She then stopped, engaged reverse and smartly reversed out the space and into a volvo parked in a space opposite - the Volve responded by shaking violently.
A quick change back to first gear and more rubbing down the side of my car (bear in mind I was trying to get out my door at this time so had to jump back in to save my life).
Not content with "amlost" getting into this space (and bear in mind her wing mirror was rubbing on my door glass leaving 4 inches of space at the widest point) she engaged reverse again, went out the space, hit the Volvo another glancing blow, back into forward gear and she then zig zagged across the car park before nestling in a space several hundred yards away.

Deeming it safe to get out I examined the marks on the paintwork of my company car (so no damage there then !) and went to inspect the Volvo with the cracked number plate and nicely scuffed bumper.
As timing would have it I was greeted by a voice beind me - "Oy what the fuck are you doing with my car?" to which I thanked the powers that be and described the carnage that ensued, pointing out my own damage and the fact I wrote the registration on my hand lest I die through the repeated impacts.
It was quite amusing watching him vaulting over the shrubbery whilst the old dear was in the middle of here Ooofing routine getting out the car.

Unfortunately I had to leave then but this was safe in the knowledge that whilst the Volve driver was attempting to get an explaination from her I was in no doubt some people would assume he was attacking this frail old woman and get him arrested.

The paper trail.
These are the annoying fuckers who drive in front of you far below the speed limit, wandering all over the road and then ..... out it comes, cigarette wrappers, toffee wrappers, anything they can throw out.
Obviously it's far too much trouble to put a carrier bag into the car and put their own shit into it - and these are the people who moan that they fought in the World War for us, yeah lovely, I appreciate in the War there was most likely a distinct lack of waste bins but now your back in the Green and Pleasant land it doesn't hurt to take your own shit home and throw it away.

Sometimes you see the oooofer or turd polisher also enjoy some paper trail activities, this involves them finding scraps of their own crap in the car and emptying them out into the supermarket car park.

The Squeezer.
These take great delight in putting their car in the smallest space possible or at an angle making it impossible for the drivers or passengers on either side to get in our out of their cars.
I've noticed a true squeezer parks no less than 30 degrees off the true line, the angle is always quite pronounced and I'm sure there are nuclear missles that hit their targets with more precision than these fuckers can put a slab of steel into a clearly marked rectangle.

The old dear in Lincoln was clearly a devotee of the squeezer but let herself down by concentrating on more than one skill at a time, it pays to become an expert in one field before combining them.

I was in a car park in Nottingham once when I met a champion Squeezer, he shoe horned his car into a gap far too small for his car leaving about 8 inches on the passenger side.
His ample (Fat) female passenger then attempted to open her door several times by smashing it into the side of my car.
Bear in mind I'm actually sitting in my car eating a sandwich (it appears I sat in my car a lot eating sandwiches - well yes you do when your a field engineer), she then squeezed herself out of the car (more door banging and lots of oofing) and then for her finale she knocked my wing mirror off as she forced her fat arse past it.

Obviously impressed by their display I attempted a tribute to them by opening my door and smashing it repeatedly against theirs (while they watched), I gave them a brief smile as they walked away.

I completely forgot to add a classic - I was reminded by two grand masters as I drove to work today....

The Time Lord.
These show a mastery of Space and Time that would shame Doctor Who himself.
As an example this morning we were waiting at some traffic lights, they changed to Green and then Space and Time itself seemed to warp, the Ford Galaxy in front of me moved so slowly that I'm sure Glaciers exist in the barren wastes of Norway that move faster.
He pulled over the white line (eventually) and proceeded to turn slower than the outer planets revolve around the most distant of stars, probably no more than 6 feet over the white line the lights turned back to Red leaving him and me with some 40ft to go and the traffic from the left now looking more than ready to go.

After what seemed like an eternity he finally completed his turn and then accelerated to 20mph.
Now I'm pretty sure inside his cabin the story was different, the lights changed, his engine leapt into life and powered his vehicle with such force he had difficulty in controlling it, he then skidded 90 degrees through the turn and was pleased with himself for using his well practised skill controls. He then accelerated to 110mph as he blasted down the road.

Eventually he turned off and some of my hair turned back to its normal colour.
I met No.2 near work, he was achieving the massive speed of 22mph (as shown by the road side speed sign) - he then slowed down as this was far too fast, slammed his brakes on to prevent him loosing control on a slight bend and proceeded to drive like that for his entire journey, slowing down, speeding up and slamming his brakes on.

True masters of their art if ever I have seen them - now before anyone spits and sparks about speed and safety you can actually get a ticket for dangerous driving for going too slowly, I know someone it has happened to - the Police will tell you other drivers feel compelled to swerve around you thus you create a rolling roadblock.
And no I don't go too fast, I drive an Avensis - therefore it's mathematically and physically impossible to go too fast. But I do like to get there some time today.