I am officially on line - I found a T-mobile hot spot from my sniper position on the 7th floor.
29 euros for 30 days unlimited access, or 8 euros - get this for 60 mins !!!!!
The hotel want 7.95 for 24 hours so this is a snip.
The day started as many days do, stepping on chicken shite and letting them out.
Following a hearty breakfast of Asda Malties we headed for the station.
The day was lifted when the TV announced the train was subject to anything up to 12 minutes delay - it's even better when you realize I have about 12 minutes to find the train to Birmingham.
Anyway the train was on time despite leaning some 45 degrees through Hucknall.
Guessing which platform would take me to Birmingham (the one full of students and having less human turds on the line) I picked number 6 which was spot on.
Boarding the rattling express I found seat 51 was taken so I kicked the young lady out of the seat and set down to impress the train with my Suduko skills. After vowing never to touch another we arrived in Brum.
The train doesn't so much pull into Birmingham, rather roll as a car would if you removed the engine and pushed it down a small slope.
Alighting gingerly in Birmingham I had all the time in the world to get up to the main platform and find my next train, the two minutes I had were almost enough to go to the furthest platform possible, the only thing further than my platform (1a) was the rubbish bins.
Alighting the strangely empty Birmingham International train (I had visions of spending the night in a rail siding), we set off to the Airport, or as they say in Germany "the large field hundreds of miles from anywhere".
Arriving at the Airport I thought it would be amusing to set off the metal detector with my lucky 10p I forgot I had in my wallet - blast my lucky 10p, I almost had the greased finger of doom rooting for steel where no man should go.
After removing my belt, shoes, trouser rivets etc I finally passed, quite amusing that my trousers managed to stay up - it would have been good watching Sky News - "Mass panic at Airport".
I dined on the finest Boots "meal deal" in the airport departure lounge, a cross between the gates of Hell and the place of the damned.
Finally the Tannoy Burst into life "Allh theajhak fodgh ryan fddia kk Frangkurt skjjker r dfdkj eejjj" - err what who ?
Fortunately I was standing beside Gate J which was handy.
Having almost suffered the wrath of the worlds least humored security guard I decided not to upset anyone else today.
So after being told off by the flight crew for taking photos while the plane was taxi'ing I resigned myself to upset as many as possible.
Take-off in the Boeing 737-800 can only be described as "interesting", in the same way someone rams a 40 tonne truck into the rear of your car whilst your stationary is Interesting.
We sat at the edge of the runway, the engines fired up, bits fell off and then Wooooooosh we were doing about 90 in no time at all.
I gave the chap 10 seats in front his teeth back and in a roar of Rolls Royce finest we were up in the air, safe in the hands of Herr someone or other (who I had no idea how to pronounce).
Fortunately he didn't seem to have any sense of humor and with typical precision skirted around some pretty neat thunderclouds with steering that would have F1 giants crying.
He obviously got bored a few times and punctuated the trip with "flight crew sit down", "Flight crew sell something" etc
A few minutes later we were leveling out over London, I saw him resist the urge to drop large metal objects on the Capital out of habit, instead he allowed everyone a full flush including "solid waste".
Seconds later we screamed (yes it was noisy) over a cloud covered channel and into Europe.
A few deft turns left and right (to avoid any flak) and we were descending amongst thousands of wind turbines to Frankfurt.
A quick and emotionless Passport check - consisting of "yes" and "next", collect my case and no security at all - I felt like wandering through the "I've nothing to declare but if you don't give a shit then you won't know what I've got line".
And here I was in Frankfurt ... ahhh now then.... this Airport doesn't seem what I thought it would be.
Now my perception of Frankfurt Airport was a sprawling airport the size of a small city, this one looked like 7 portakabins in a field.
And here I was in Frankfurt Hahn - aahhh that will be 100km away from where I need to be.
Now the first thing all the mobile phones do is send you hundreds of texts to say "by the way your now in Germany, welcome, you can now text for etc etc " - yes thank you I thought I was on Mars, thank God someone sent me 15 texts to say I am in Germany.
We explored a taxi to Frankfurt - 180 euros - and one laughing Taxi driver - made a note of his number, one day he will need me, one day ......
We pay 12 Euros for the 1hr 45min Das Buss to take us to Frankfurt, from there you can get a train to Freidrichsdorf.
Anyway, the other chap with me decides he wants to rent a car so we get our money back from the bus, haggle with the car hire places (beg really), get fobbed off by HR as its almost 300 Euros.
Finally he pays on his credit card and we are in Der Ford Fokus.
Now I can only describe the AutoBahn as "Interesting", Interesting as in - it's full of mad people driving as fast as possible, weaving in and out, screaming round corners and generally having a great time.
We got flashed out the way by a Toyota Corolla at 140kph - Now I know it's only 87mph but when your in a car with someone who says "I've never driven a manual left hand" it's bloody fast.
He also squeezes the Focus between a large transporter and a larger concrete barrier, commendable, I decided to wipe the arse of the transport driver, well when your that close your family really.
Finally after an hour of Der Tom Tom shouting "take Zer Motorway - They are all fucking motorways" we arrive in our hotel, just in time for a major Thunderstorm.
We conclude with a meal in the restaurant - this consists of Pork, chicken or Beef.
I opt for a 250g Pork fillet but was told I'm having a 200g.
I upset the waitress by saying "no" to all possible combinations of sauces i.e.
"Pepper Sauce ?" = "No"
"Lemon Sauce ?" = "No"
"Gravy Sauce ?" = "No"
"Any Sauce ?" = "No"
"A piece of butter ?" = "No"
My work here was done.
Anyway, I round the evening off trying to watch Futurama in German (nicht Gud), and take a trip to the Local Toom supermarket next door.
It's actually a cool place for the following reasons.
1) No carrier bags, you bought it, you carry it
2) Take your PET bottles back, it gives you money to recycle them
3) A hot chicken van right outside the door
4) It has more crisps than a crisp factory
5) Tons and tons of biscuits and nibblies
6) It's 50m from our hotel.
Down side - No Tetleys.
Having rounded the evening off by shouting "Achtung Spitfire!" from the 7th floor and watching one of my plug sockets smoking (serious shit going on here) I am now on line.
Despite the fact that nothings on TV the adverts appear Ok - something about "Super sexy flash logo" - ein ein swei something or other.
Tomorrow as they say will be another day.
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